“It’s Weird”
08/06/2019
Seven months ago,
all I wanted was to fly away from everything. I wanted to take off on a jet plane to some place exotic with language barriers and rich food. I wanted to live off the grid and wear flowy pants and build a new community from the ground up. Escape all the hard parts of finding out that the world is big and being young is scary. I wanted to fly far away from all the expectations that I had for myself and all the expectations others had for me. Looking back, I cannot hide the fact that this time in my life was lonely. I was surrounded by people, but I believed there was no one in that moment who understand the intense weight of the transition from child to adult so fully. I spent many hours looking back wondering where life changed…where I had changed.
Six months ago,
after weeks of binge-watching Greys and eating Ramen in the shower almost daily (yes, that was a thing and yes, I am ashamed) I had to be okay with the fact that I could not buy the next one-way ticket to Costa Rica. An island or village off somewhere would not bring back my laughter or make pulling my legs out of bed any easier. There was something deep in me that wanted to prove to the darkness that it had no hold on my sunshine. In a giant mixing pot, I combined a lot of faith, passionate cardio sessions, my new found love for cooking, and if I am honest…some vodka here and there. (If I am the first one to break this to you, well then, I am sorry, but being twenty-one is so weird). Slowly, I gained a new-found confidence in my mind and honestly my body. This was a time where I used all the hurt and confusion to fuel myself into a stronger Ady. Being honest with you and myself, when this all started there was a level of unhealthy motivators that kept me going. It was like I was punishing all those who I perceived to have done me wrong or gave up on me with this great body and perfect life. At some point though, I realized those were not the faces I saw in the mirror every day. Those were not the ones who had to show up to school or work. It took time, but I slowly started to climb the wall as a mental challenge rather than just strengthening, I did yoga to open my creative side rather than for a leaner body, and I ate healthy food because I really do like kale sometimes (Slightly wilted with a squeeze of lemon topped with sliced almonds…yummm). It became habit to check my mental state daily, say a prayer when I felt weak, and write when I felt overwhelmed.
Five months ago,
if you can put yourself in the shoes of a young confused yet hard working twenty year old than you might be able to relate to me around this time. I had spent months focusing on “the now” of it all and the time had come where life was presenting me so many new options for the future. I was in a relationship I never expected and the decision on the timeline of my degree was creeping up on me. The weight of it all was not anything bigger than what I was built to handle so I prayed, bit down on the cloth, and decided to go all in. I put a lot of time into building my relationship (as trivial as it seems now), preparing myself to switch to full-time at work, and took the risk of piling on school to finish my degree in August. This was when I started to finally feel like I was making progress towards a bigger goal, a plan to make all the tears and change worth it…but oh boy, was God not feeling that way. I had to shift my priorities and adapt to all the things that made it harder to work out, eat healthy, and write. I had spent so much time developing me that facing the things I had pushed away, like friendships and community, was an actual struggle. People I loved dearly dumped every flaw I had on top of me and I had to constantly remind myself of how worthy and strong I really was. I look back now and see how I could have embraced people more and loved them better but at the same time I give myself grace because I was learning so much about the people I had surrounded myself with.
We can fast forward to the now.
I sit at my laptop dazed and a little bit confused. When I started writing this I was in Nirvana. Headed back from the mountains after months of long days, homework filed weekends, and lots of failed attempts to find my next step. The few months that I skipped through were filled with plans to move to New York, Austin, and even Lubbock at some point. I had made a best friend that loved mountains and music and laughter about if not more than I did. I started writing this with the intention of ending it on the note of closure and answers and empowerment, but if I am taking a moment to evaluate its more likely this will simply be relatable. After telling myself that there would be no tears or frustration with the process of choosing, I found myself crying a lot. I found myself questioning my worth and value and projecting that on my decisions and those around me. The sunshine I spent so much time developing seemed to fade as quickly as it came. Every plan I made fell through, every feeling I had was unmatched, and the overwhelming perception of being stuck continues to plague my thoughts. I am a sunflower, an adventurer, an enthusiast and yet in this season I find myself more often than not wondering who I am. As time has progressed over the past weeks, I have been very observant and have learned that I, as hard as it is to accept sometimes, I am not the only one struggling with this. Weekly, I find myself in conversation with someone my age in a very similar season. Sometimes it is so similar that it’s a little scary. No one really can warn you about how weird the age of twenty-one really can be. You are trusted with the responsibilities of big life decisions, you are learning to live on your own, your faith becomes incredibly individualistic, and on top of it all…society throws in alcohol in to see how it mixes. This time in life is a cocktail of choices, adventure, and failed attempts to make things fit. As hard as it all is, it grows you. It makes you more caring, understanding, and accepting of other people. You learn to love people where they are and that is beautiful. Even heartbroken and confused God can make something so wonderful out of it all and I am so ready see what twenty-two brings to the table because honestly, twenty-one is weird.
