In an instant—everything changed.
It was post-breakup, post-graduation, and post-birthday when it dawned on me. This wasn’t an option; it was a calling. An unshakable feeling down to the very last cell in my body that I had to share my passion for development and encouragement with the world. I had no idea, at that moment, that I would spend hours throughout the week and every weekend creating content to share intimately in the screens and inboxes of so many incredible people.
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You would think by the sound of this that I have hit gold. You would think that because I found a heart serving and creating daily, there is no need for any more breakdowns, but that is far from the truth. For every big breakthrough, there is an equal or greater breakdown that led to that point.
I remember the day he said he was leaving. I remember the day I walked across the stage into adulthood. I remember celebrating my Taylor Swift year.
I remember the number of nights I spent crying because somewhere amongst all the madness, I forgot to remember me. //
In all the late late nights, days filled with work, and evenings filled with school, I grew numb to my unhealthy auto-pilot habits. I stopped talking about how I felt or what I wanted. It was easier to focus on the other stuff that “needed to get done” when I wasn’t “getting in my own way.” I was so afraid of losing the one thing I wanted to keep that I was willing to become whatever I needed to be.
When it all came crashing down, and when the truth made its way into my world, I felt like I was starting ALL over. And in a way, I was. The old version of me that I wanted to resurrect had faded, and I had to become the version of me that life and the Lord needed me to be.
It is so hard to pick yourself up. It is so hard to say goodbye. It is so hard to figure out who you are supposed to be when EVERYTHING is different.
But it is so so so good for you my friend. I am finding the voice in me that was hiding for months. She is fierce and real, and she doesn’t care what anyone has to say about it unless it’s uplifting and authentic. Love and good vibes. Seeing the best. Allowing myself to cry. Allowing myself to feel the heartbreak and weight of adulthood when it needs to be felt. Allowing for growth and change. Making sure to read books and take time to do yoga. Fighting against anxiety, I never wanted to acknowledge. Unleashing the curiosity that was trapped by fear of pain.
This is called a breakthrough! This is what the breakdowns are for. So allow yourself to break a million times. Let the pieces shatter. Take a moment to do what you must and then get up. Start building something new and beautiful. Take the time you need. Because as much as it sucks to hear, time heals.
Be willing to break
