12/03/2018
An Honest Moment
The last three months have been an absolute whirlwind. My time abroad was one of challenge and change. There is no easy place to start, and there is no clear place to finish. Often times, it is hard to understand growing up that as you age and experience new things, your personality and identity begin to morph into this incredibly complex mix of so many different life perspectives.
As I prepared to board the plane over ninety days ago, I held on to everything with certainty. My faith was unshakable, my future was certain, and my heart was content. After a week exploring and learning in my new home, I knew everything I was holding tight to was gradually going to slip from my fingers and transform into something entirely new. Slowly over the last few months, I developed a desire to try and fail until I succeeded and ask hard questions and develop relationships with blurry lines. Meaning, rather than using my story and privilege to see myself as better or more put together, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and raw. I tried to listen more than I spoke, walk more than I talked, and, most importantly, be present where I was. The way it all unfolded might not have been the most orthodox or typical me, but even when I fell short of my desires, I was able to hear truths about what people think about my faith and sit at tables with people in our most human form. When I laid down the religion of it all, I began to fall in love with the people God created. Seeing their purpose and understanding and why their lives had brought them to that point. My relationship with Christ seemed to be on the back-burner. My faith was stretched like never before. Even through it all, I saw God move in the little things. He revealed to me in the most unexpected ways that there was a part of me that had never allowed for mistakes and imperfections. My type A “do-better-dee” attitude held tight to guilt and resentment of self when I fell short of the expectations of those who love me. Knowingly making mistakes and being surrounded by those from different walks of life was challenging and overwhelming at times but produced in me an open heart. I was still me, but it is like my mind and spirit were trying to introduce a new character to my story. As much as she did not look like me, she is me, she is bold and broken, and real, and risky. My biggest fear when getting ready to leave was leaving her behind. I already could hear my excuses for why she did not and does not exist. I could see myself on my knees in worship, claiming to have never met her. The beauty of it all is that now I am home, I look in the mirror, and I see me. The uneven skin is the story of trial and error. The pimples are the mistakes that continue to make their way back into my life. But even more than that, the full bright smile contains all my beautiful memories of laughter and adventure. The twinkle in my eye is from the light of amazing family and friends. I will always be growing, changing, and searching, which means that sometimes the imperfections will be more present than the joy. Working through that has been and continues to be demanding and exhausting but worth every moment. Studying abroad was an experience I will always cherish and Mexico is a place that holds a special piece of my heart forever.
It is so easy to judge others when you have never allowed yourself room to truly understand their pain. It is easy to use religion as a shield to take chances and allowing room for you to make mistakes. Over this next year, I want to learn to embrace the uncertainty and be content in the idea that sometimes there are more questions than answers. I went through a lot abroad, and if I take this moment, to be honest, I am still healing and learning from it all.
